Portraits of the Insane

This interview was conducted in the spring of 1999, in Toronto, on the campus of the University of Toronto. Bob (not his real name) was eighteen, perhaps nineteen years old. This is the complete transcript. It was part of a project I was doing, while in university, just for myself, called Portraits of the Insane. Bob was one of half a dozen people I ended up interviewing. I asked everyone the same questions, and the questions were prepared in advance of my conducting any of the interviews. I felt very embarrassed, asking some of the questions, but I made myself. An article about the feelings and thoughts leading up to this project was published in the New York Times Magazine. 


What is your basic romantic illusion about your life?

Um. I haven't really had much experience in romance. Well any sort of real relationship. It's basically “all love is unrequited” pretty much sums up what I've seen in my life. Girls that I have liked – I have a few cases where I've thought I could really do something, go on in a relationship with them. Nothing ever happens. Either they've had a boyfriend or they weren't actually interested. It was really depressing basically.

What lies do you tell yourself to keep you happy?

Well I try and convince myself that I can get along well with people. I'm not sure if it's true or not. I've been lying to myself long enough that these may be truths, these may not be truths. I remember things about my childhood that I'm not sure if they actually happened, because I may have just made them up to make myself feel better, and when I had a paper route I always made up these little anecdotes for my customers who gave me extra tips. I'm not sure if that's my actual childhood or these are just things I made up. I can't tell anymore.

Is there one specific lie that keeps you going?

Well I haven't been telling myself any major lie to keep myself going. I can more or less face the world with the truth but it's more or less a personal philosophy of life that keeps me going. I see a lot of balance in life and everything will balance off in one way or another. So if I have bad luck in one area it will be good luck somewhere else. If I have bad luck in one time maybe later on in life something will be better. So.

Have you ever stolen anything?

No, actually I haven't. I've taken a few things around the house like my parent's pop and stuff like this – the diet cola that my brother and I aren't supposed to drink, but that's pretty much it.

What do you consider yours in the world?

Well I consider what's mine is everything in my room like my computer and my television and VCR electronics stuff like that. And my own personal creations like any stories that I've written I consider mine, anything I've done like my web page I consider to be mine. It is me and I'm very proud of the stuff that I've done.

How great do you think you are?

Um. I don't really think I'm that great. I think I'm just another one of the masses, but I would like to be great. I aspire to be one of the great ones and to be a great writer or something, but I'm not sure if it will happen and I feel that if I prop myself up too much and expect myself to be great it won't happen and it will just be more of a downfall.

In the spectrum of humanity where do you place yourself?

Well I always consider myself to be a little bit, um, left of centre of basic humanity because I've always liked things that aren't like the number one popular thing. Like I'm left-handed and I've considered that makes me a little bit of an outcast. And I'm red-headed, another thing that makes me feel that I'm different from a lot of people. I see myself as somewhat of an outsider in a lot of cases, yet I can still be part of a group. I can hang out with a group and then if I'm not really quite into that group I can go in and join in with another group for a temporary amount of time.

What you makes you superior to other people and what makes you inferior?

Um superior. Well I... I try to think that I'm a lot more rational than some people can be. I think things out and I try to take everyone's opinion into consideration. When I voice my own opinion, I try and see things from every angle, whereas I see a lot of people who just take things from their point of view and that's that. As far as inferior, well sometimes I don't stand up for myself when I should because I'm too concerned with the other people and I should be more concerned about myself sometimes than I actually am.

What are you concerned about?

Well, when I'm on like a mailing list when I'm talking with someone I don't want to say anything that would offend them even if they are offending me. I may say "Please don't offend me." I don't really want to go and intrude on them or offend anyone else.

How come?

Well I've always been a person who who liked knowing a lot of people and having a lot of different friends. Like when I was a kid I didn't have that many friends. I was very much of an introvert. And then about grade nine or ten I started becoming more extroverted getting to know other people and I found out that if you offend people they may shun you away and they may not talk to you. So I just try and stay in everyone's good graces.

Do you think you're becoming more or less great?

I like to think that I'm becoming more great, because I am becoming more extroverted. And introverted, anti-social is... I really don't like that that part of me. Because when I was a child I realise I didn't really do much. I didn't enjoy as much as kids do. I never really rode a bike, I didn't go skating and stuff. But now I am enjoying things. I talk to people in the Student Council and stuff. I'm actually a part of something greater than myself and therefore I feel that I'm greater.

And the greater thing than yourself is?

Well it's various aspects like the Student Council or newspapers or even the university as a whole, doing something that's a lot more people, not just something that's my own personal work. It's the work of many others involved as well. The reputation of University of Toronto, I feel I'm becoming a part of that, and it's a great reputation so in a way I'm becoming greater.

How would you characterise your mind and the way that you think?

Well I guess an analogy would be a computer that looks at every single possibility and tries to narrow down what the best solution is. And I try to think what the smartest move would be. I always calculate what I'm doing a lot of times and I make sure that I step where I want to step and not just go aimlessly and make mistakes.

How does your mind communicate with itself?

Well I usually just run through different scenarios on what can happen if I do something and I basically imagine what the future could be from all sorts of different angles. And then I see which the best angle is.

How do you visualise your soul?

My soul? Well. I see me and my soul as part of the exact same thing. My soul is just something that will carry on past this life, past this planet. Because I can only be here for at most another hundred years and I'd really like to be here for another hundred years but somehow I doubt I'll be here that long. My soul is something that will carry on longer. I don't know how exactly. I haven’t really come to a conclusion about that but I know my soul will be older than I and will live longer than me.

What is the main difference between you and your soul?

Well I just see my soul as having nothing to with my physical body has nothing to do with really with my mind that much. It's mostly my heart and how I feel about things is what will be carrying on to the next life.

If you had to visualise it as a concrete thing what would it be like?

Um, I guess it would sort of be the black box they have in airplanes. Something that they find to figure out what the life was all about. It will be the black box of my life. You'll see my soul and you'll understand what my life was all about and what happened to me. Things along those lines.

Do you think you know what you look like?

Um, sometimes I do sometimes I don't. It all depends on how I actually feel about myself, so I see myself in different lights. I see myself as strong some days, weak on other days, good-looking one day and ugly the next, so I don't think that I have any idea what I look like because my opinions keep changing from day to day.

Do you recognise yourself when you look in the mirror?

Um, some days yeah. I look in the eyes and that's how I recognise myself. Other than that I'm not really sure it's me.

What about when you catch yourself in a store window?

In a store window? That's when I think it's someone else. It doesn't look like what I think I look like. I can't define what I think I look like but it's not what I see in a store window.

What do you see in a store window?

It's just another person walking by, another stranger, someone who's just another one of the crowd. It just doesn't seem to be me in some indefinable way.

Do you fear you are shallow?

Um in some respects yeah I think I am shallow. Because I've gone for various elections in my life and I've lost both of them and have been bitter about it. And I've tried to come up with excuses why, and it's that the people are wrong, the people are idiots, the voting masses can't make the right decision. When I should be looking at myself and I'm probably the reason why something is going wrong. I'm either doing too little or too much and I'm scaring people away and I don't really know what but it's probably something wrong with me. I should take responsibility for my actions.

In any other context do you fear your shallow?

Not really. I try to be a nice person and I don't really see being a nice person as being shallow. I've noticed sometimes when I'm taking public transportation like the TTC and people push me or something. I feel I'm being sort of shallow at least for the momentary glare at them or when I'm tempted to make a comment. I tend to avoid doing that stuff so for the most part I don't act very shallow, I think, no.

How do you express your rage?

That may be sort of my problem. I don't express my rage very often. When I usually do it involves hitting some sort of inanimate object. I've broken many video game systems because I was angry either at the video game or something else that happened. I've thrown shoes down the stairs because I was in a bad mood. It's physical actions against something inanimate that can't hit me back.

Do you think the world is ending?

Well I don't really think that the world is ending. Humanity maybe. I think the world itself will go on. It's just a matter of humanity is eventually going to end up destroying itself because of the various habits it developed particularly over the last hundred years, but nature will set its course right and nature will continue with or without us.

What other signs do you see?

Well I see various strange things. It's partly to do with all these things these ways of the next millennium, economic collapse, there's going to be computer problems in the year 2000. All these major cataclysmic problems that are going to be occurring soon. They all seem to be happening in the same time and that kind of stuff can lead to massive destruction and could put the end to humanity.

What do you think is going to be the effect of the year 2000?

Well I think it's going to be pretty significant but not as significant as people think it will be. Everyone looks forward to the year 2000, all these different changes are going to happen, this millennium bug and stuff, and I think a lot of it may end up just being hype because you're talking about being more scientific about all the weird things that are supposed to happen in the year 2000. Technically the year two thousand was probably two years ago cause basically the chronologists screwed up on the date of Jesus' birth, so they are probably four years off which means we are probably already in the new millennium. So the year two thousand is a nice number. It looks really neat to see all those zeroes in a line but other than that I don't think it really has...

Do you see yourself as inherently different from people or essentially the same?

In a lot of things I see myself as different cause I look at things differently. I'm not sure if this is partly because I'm left-handed but I've noticed that I seem to see the world differently. Even people I've known for years, friends from grade school, I still see things differently from them because I see myself in a minority group being lefty or red-headed or whatever. I see myself as some sort of minority group which gives me a different take on the world. It's not really a minority group in the sense like blacks or females where there actually has been obvious oppression but even in the case of lefties weird things that I see, little tiny details, that I don't think other people actually notice.

What do you risk that makes you courageous?

I don't think I am courageous cause I don't think I risk very much. I basically go very carefully through life. I mean, I calculate what kind of risk is going to be involved in something and if I can avoid a risk I generally will. I'll try and do something the safe-cautious route. Aside from gambling, buying lottery tickets, that's as much risk as I've taken in life.

What traits do you want that you see other people having?

Well I see people who can just walk around and be in total control of their situations. Even though sometimes I may look like I'm in total control I tend to do things to put things out of my control. Like I don't do essays when I should, I don't have a punctual nature. I don't get homework done right away, I always leave it to the last minute. But if I could I'd like to be able to set myself straight and do it right from the beginning, rather than waiting until it's too late.

Presuming you're a lunatic what would you say is the nature of your madness?

Well my nature of madness would probably be that, um, I'm a strange mix of romantic and realist. Because I would like these various ideals yet I think that they're implausible and they won't happen. It's difficult to describe but I see a girl who I would like to get a relationship going with, but a part of me says, "Yeah right it's not going to happen." And it never does happen merely because – I'm not sure if it's because I don't put the effort in or if it's because I decide that I shouldn't try it at all. Or even if I do put the effort in sometimes it doesn't work out that way. But I live by these romantic ideals yet I don't act by them.

What enrages you that seems to enrage no one else?

Well I'm enraged a lot by rudeness. I don't like it when people are rude to me or rude to someone else. I see a lot of people particularly on public transit, when you push someone, nobody else seems to care. I don't really appreciate getting pushed and I'm sure the person getting pushed doesn't appreciate it, and it enrages me when I see that kind of stuff happen. I'm also enraged when people are angry that their little world has been intruded on even though they're taking up more space than they should. Someone taking up two seats because they're sitting down and their coat’s on the other seat, you sit down and they move the coat and glare at you. Cause they were taking two seats and you needed somewhere to sit they should be polite enough to give another person the seat.

How in any way are you being oppressed?

Well it goes back to the lefty thing again. A little obsession of mine is being left-handed cause I notice all these different things that work against lefties. I've had the lefty calendar for a couple of years and I've noticed all the little things, and it brings to light to mind things like the word sinister always mentioning as meaning evil or wicked, but it means left-handed. I'm left-handed and I consider that as a personal affront. Also things like there'll be right on and right away whereas left is like left over left out. It's things that have come to light in my own mind, little oppressions that I have to deal with as a lefty. For grade school what screwed me up from a couple of years is the teacher said, "The right hand is the one you write with." So I thought my left hand was my right hand because it is the one I was writing with. They try to a teach a lesson to everyone but they're ignoring that ten percent and that ten percent isn't really oppressed but it runs into a lot of various problems because of that.

When did being left-handed become an issue for you?

Well it's probably, I found it weird when I was a kid being left-handed, I'd run into other lefties and I always thought it was kinda neat. But it was a couple of years ago I saw a left-handed calendar, I thought, “That's a pretty neat idea I'll take a look at it.” And I was taking a look at it and every day I learned something new about who was left-handed or various things that happened to left-handed people, and that's when I really started noticing things. And I took a different look at my world and I noticed things that I hadn't seen before. Like my grandfather always shook when he was writing something. I didn't really figure out why until I heard out that back when he was a child at that time they would smack his left hand with a ruler if you tried writing with his left hand. So even though he was writing with his right hand he was still in his mind subconsciously afraid of his hand getting smacked with a ruler. So it's because of the knowledge of things that have happened to other lefties that I noticed what was going on and it did become an issue for me because I found out all this stuff about it.

Do you see it as a pivotal event and all that?

Um I don't really see any sort of pivotal event, it was just going through reading about all these various different people who were left-handed, Charlemagne, massive numbers of American presidents. It's just a collaboration of the calendar which really did it to me. It's also because of a fencing course I took a couple of years ago, and it was really frustrating in that fencing class because although the teacher made sure to point out that when he said left I was supposed to take it as right when he said right I was supposed to take it as left, the fact that he was speaking to everyone else and I had to translate for myself was also very frustrating. So I think that's when it started becoming an issue – when as more of an adolescent slash adult I noticed that the oppression and exclusion was still there. That's when it became an issue for me I think.

What do you think would be the worst form of madness to inhabit?

Um I think the worst form of madness to inhabit would be to be anti-social, because I remember when I was just a little child I had just a few friends, and when you look back there's not really much in the way of memories to have when you only have a few friends. If you're mad in a more eccentric way where you have lots of friends, you talk to lots of people, and you become a more known figure, I'd rather be the crazy guy on the bus who goes to all the sports games then the crazy old lady who doesn't let anybody near her house and doesn't give out candy for trick-or-treat.

When did you become so strange?

Well I think I started becoming strange in grade nine when I first met other people who were into writing and science fiction role-playing and stuff like that, and I started getting more into that group, and in grade eleven I was nearly a goth because I started wearing the black trenchcoat and I had the black T-shirt with skulls on it, but I don't really think I'm that strange because I saw what was going on and I was becoming part of this strange group and I backed away from it and became one of the masses again to avoid being part of that group. I wouldn't say I'm that strange. Sometimes I have different ideas but not too often.

How solid is your personality?

Well I'd say right now my personality is pretty solid. When I have an opinion I'll stick with my opinion of that. I will argue for the opinion how I feel it and I will contest anybody who tells me otherwise. I've become more and more stubborn about my opinions and I don't even know really how to word this. My opinions are my opinions and they won't change unless someone proves to me otherwise. They can have a significant amount of evidence but if it's not total factual proof that categorically denies and disproves what I believe I'll probably still end up believing my way.

When did your ideas start to solidify?

My ideas started to solidify probably a couple of years ago, but they solidified in one area and they've slowly moved over to another. When I was in grade twelve I started to agree a lot more with a lot of socialist ideas and the ideas of a communist state of probably working better than capitalism, cause I've seen too many homeless people and had various financial problems in my own family's life that I really didn't like the idea of capitalism, and that everyone shares is really a much better idea. But then I became more realistic about people themselves and the problem behind capitalism and socialism is that man exploits man in either one. So it's not a problem with communism or capitalism, it's humanity, and it's a matter of developing my ideas, seeing the various faults in my own argument as I became more settled in how I feel.

When are you most yourself?

I'd say I'm most myself when I'm at home watching TV or on the computer, particularly when I'm with friends, emailing friends, or talking with friends on ICQ. That's when I feel that I'm more myself because I'm expressing the opinions how I feel and I'm not bottled up with any sort of pressure. I can just relax and have fun.

What are the qualities of a friendship you had with someone that you met in person, versus someone you've met online?

Well actually I haven't really met that many people online, it's more friends who I have met in person who are now online and it's a lot easier to communicate that way, cause instead of having conference calls we can set up a little chat room and just talk that way. I have met other people online but I haven't really gotten that much detail into knowing them. Its more them sending files to my web page or people who are also into the same stuff I am like Babylon V, but really that's it. For the most part my friends are people who I know in person. I'm not comfortable with just meeting someone on the internet and developing a good friendship like that yet.

Do you communicate differently with your friends in a chat room? 

It's a little different because when you're in some sort of chat room you don't want to send a big long message, you just send short curt responses rather than a lengthy explanation. In some sort of conference call or when you're talking among friends you can explore the idea, you can keep talking and they can wait until you're finished, whereas in a chat room you know that your idea is going to be cut off in a couple of seconds when someone else starts typing and the topic will change before you know it. So that's the main difference between talking in a chat room and talking in real life, cause in real life the other people will know what's going on and they can wait for you to finish.

Delineate the progress your insanity took.

Well my insanity probably started in grade nine. I didn't think I would know that many people cause I had only been going to one of the funnel middle programs in one year cause I had managed to get into a gifted program from grades four till seven, and then when I was in grade eight I started re-meeting all these people from before that, and when I got to high school all sorts of people seemed to know me partly from the neighbourhood I was from and other people from the gifted program who had also gone to the same high school as me and they ended up talking to all these different people saying, "Oh that's Bob, don't you know him?" Next thing I know people I didn’t even know saying hi to me in the hallways. I think that was the start of my insanity. I just found it really strange all these people knew me. And through that and people already knowing me, I was able to break out of my shell a lot more and talk to people more and from there. I just kept getting to know some people better, getting more involved with things, various writing groups and things like that. I saw a chance to start being myself and I saw people who were along similar lines as me and I think that's how my insanities developed.

When did you first realise you were insane?

Well I probably first realised it three or four years ago when I started noticing how I changed and I looked back at how I was as a child and how different I had become. Instead of being the lonely child with two friends I had friends everywhere I went on a high school trip to New York. I knew maybe two of the people who were there and I didn't know them that well but by the end of the trip I knew everybody even though it was a four day trip. I knew everyone who was from my school and I considered myself friends with all of them. That's when I noticed a really significant change. I said, Okay I am starting to go a little crazy here. I can actually communicate with people I don't even know that well, so I would never even thought of doing this when I was little.

So is there insanity in communication?

Well there's insanity in a certain amount of communication. I've talked to people I've met on the bus sometimes, and in that way communication can be insane because you're just meeting someone, you have no idea who this is, you're just striking up a conversation with them for the sake of striking up a conversation, and I think that's a little insane cause you don't really know if this person is a maniac some homicidal killer or something or just somebody who's just there. You don't know who it is. I think that's a little crazy sometimes.

How soon after you realised you were insane did people start picking up on it?

Well I think for the most part my insanity is my own little secret. Most people don't notice how open I am to discussion because a lot of times I've I'll be on the GO train or something and I'll start up a conversation or something and if the other person doesn't respond, okay fine, I'll not bother carrying on because I don't want to make them feel awkward. The people I do end up talking with, they probably think there's nothing strange about it, so really most other people haven't caught onto me being a little bit crazy I guess.

Do other people's insanity or normalcy jeopardise your stasis more?

I'd say other people's insanity because part of insanity is individualism. I am my own person and I am a very individual person. There really isn't anybody who is totally like me. If someone else is crazy in the exact same way as me and becomes me, then that's a threat to my insanity because I'm no longer an individual and I'm part of someone else, possibly part of a group, and that's more of a threat than normal people

Do you feel alone in the world?

A lot of times I do because I can be a part of something yet not fully be a part of it. I was involved in Junior Achievements actually, all five years of high school, and I noticed particularly towards the end of my Junior Achievement years that I knew these people but they didn't know me. I wasn't really a part of their group. They'd be talking about going out and getting something to eat or getting together for a little party and I noticed that I wasn't invited. They'd be making jokes or inside jokes that I didn't get so I noticed that I wasn't really a part of that group. This happened also on that New York trip. Where I'd be walking along with someone, we'd be going down Rockefeller Center, and they'd want to go in somewhere that I didn't really want to go in so I'd split up with them and go join someone else. So I've been alone a lot because I'll be a part of a group as long as it's going the exact same way I am. As soon as a group goes a different direction, I'll go in a different direction.

What is your chief obsession?

My chief obsession? I'd have to say my chief obsession is trying to get myself to do some actual fictional writing. I've tried numerous ways to actually get myself to actually put the pen to paper and it's an obsession because I've had trouble doing it and it's really difficult for me to make myself commit to doing it. I've written stories sitting down in hallways. I've written stories because my muse spoke to me while I was typing at my computer, in fact I've even started writing stories when I'm on the GO train just because when the ideas hit I try to put them down on paper, and that's my obsession, all these ideas that I need to start putting down on paper, and the only way to do it is really obsess about it and keep reminding myself about it.

What is the basic fallacy you have about the way other people operate?

Well it's probably the fact that I see people who are totally calm and relaxed and can handle anything and they're probably not, because a lot of times I can look like I'm calm and relaxed and in control of everything and I have no idea what's going on, and they may be going through the exact same things as me. They may not know what's going on but they don't want to act like it. But that's my problem sometimes. I see people who look like they're in control and I think that they're in control where in fact they may not be.

What lies do you tell yourself about yourself over and over?

I tell myself that things will get better for me, my life will improve, I will find ways to get around all my problems, I will teach myself to write when I need to write, I'll teach myself to do my homework when I need to do it, and I'll teach myself how to get into a good relationship without totally screwing it up by acting like an idiot.

Acting like an idiot in what way?

Well stuff like I'll be talking with someone who I'd want to get into a relationship with and I keep hanging around with that girl because I'm hoping that way maybe I can actually bring up the nerve to ask her out, and in most cases she just begins to think I'm a little weird cause I keep hanging around for no apparent reason.

What's your idealisation of a relationship?

Well I'm not really sure what my idealised relationship is because I can see it going so many different ways. Most important thing to me I think is someone who will actually understand my writing as something, so who cares about my writing and is able to help me along in that avenue.

Do you think anyone really understands you?

Um, to a certain extent I think some people understand me but they don't really totally understand me, because I haven't let anybody get close to totally understand me. They may understand one aspect of my personality but they can't really get the whole picture because they don't really know me well enough.

If you put together all the ways in which people know you would that knowledge be the knowledge of you or not?

Well I think that the sum of all of the different parts of my personality is actually a lot more than my actual personality. Because a lot of times I just put on a mask and act differently than I would normally to try and fit in with a group. I may follow ideals that I don't particularly agree with; in most cases that's the way I get in with the group. Like Junior Achievement was a perfect example of that. A lot of capitalist ideas – we'd go out, spend the money, and get people to buy the product, things like that. And I don't really agree with some of the ideas of capitalism in the way they work out. Like the free enterprise system. If people put that aspect of my personality in with the rest of me they'd be wrong because it's not really a part of me.

Are you disgusting?

No I don't think I'm disgusting. I'm just – I consider myself a – I'm rather normal when it comes down to those kinds of habits. I don't know how to express this. I don't, no no, I don't consider myself disgusting. It's something I don't even really know about. I can't even really see myself from that angle, that could be it.

What would be the judgement you would fear from someone who could see all your thoughts?

Someone who could see all my thoughts, the main judgement I'd be worried about was that I think too much and I try to find out everything that's going to happen regardless of whether or not I can control it. I'll try and plan out what's going to happen in a lecture when it's really not my issue to determine what's going to happen cause it's all up to the professor. That's what I'd be worried – people thinking that I'm trying to plan everything and be in control when I know I can't be.

What's at the root of your contradiction?

The root of my contradiction is I want and need to be in control and I am afraid to be in control cause I don't want to make any mistakes and cause any problems and I don't want to be held responsible a lot of times. I want to be in charge but I don't want to be in charge. It all depends on a particular day whether I want to be responsible for someone else's actions or not.

How much more mad are you than you let on?

I'm usually a lot angrier than I let on. Sometimes I am pretty calm and relaxed but when I do get mad I don't tend to let on because I do more or less end up taking it out on an inanimate object. So I may get really mad at my brother when he shuts the door to my room when he isn't supposed to, and he figures it's just cause he shut the door. It may also be because he stole a chocolate bar I put aside for myself, he ate my bag of chips, or he's otherwise intruded upon my life, and I'm not really expressing that cause I'm just letting it pass for the moment and it all builds up.

What do you try not to think about more than anything else?

I try not to think about what I'm going to be doing as far as actually putting my time on a schedule. I generally think I'll start this whenever and if I get it finished great but I will let other things throw me off. If I want to start an essay and I find out there's something on TV, well I may end up watching TV while I write my essay, I may not. More than likely I'll end up watching what I want to watch on TV.

When did you first realise that you were a bad person?

I don't really think that I am essentially a bad person. People may view me that way because a lot of times when I do get opinionated about something and there is a discussion going on I generally won't relent in the argument because I want to make sure that the other person knows full well what I'm trying, to say and that may put me off as a bad person because I'm constantly trying to put my opinion on someone else, and I'm just trying to reaffirm to myself what I feel about the issue.

Why do you think I picked you to interview?

I think it's just random. You saw someone who was just standing there, perhaps I mentioned something, I'm not even sure what I mentioned, and you thought, “hmm, that person might be interesting to talk to.”

Do you realise when you're lying anymore?

It depends on the lie. If it's a new lie, yes I do recognise when I'm lying. But if it's something I've been telling myself over and over again or telling other people over and over again, I may not recognise it anymore.

Do you actually believe your own lies?

Some of them. The ones I've told myself about things that I've done which may actually be from a sitcom or something... I have lied to myself in those cases and a lot of times I believe it.

When did you first discover lying?

Well that probably was when I started getting a paper route, because I noticed when I told people these little stories about my life, that they were very interested and I might get a slightly bigger tip about it, and I thought, “Okay this is a pretty good deal.” It was a shorter matter of time before I used up all my actual stories so I started making things up. And when I made things up it seemed to work just as well if not better because the stories had a better ring to them because for the most part they fit into the twenty-eight minutes and forty-eight seconds of a sitcom and they have the nice little wrap-up you have in sitcoms stories rather than real life which can be rather open-ended.

What is the main reason you're not completely honest with people?

Well I think now I am completely honest but at the time I wasn't completely honest with people cause I thought my life was rather boring and there wasn't much going on in my life, but I wanted to seem more interesting and I wanted to seem like I actually had more of a life than I did, so I made up the stories for my paper route.

Why are you lying to me now?

I'm not sure if I am lying to you right now. There may be lies somewhere in there but for the most part they're true.

How do you want people to think of you?

Well I want people to think of me as just me. When people think of me they don't really think of me being connected with anybody else anything else, and I may be part of that but first and foremost I want people to think of me rather than what I stand for or what I've been a part of. Like if they think of frosh week or something, they don't think of the people I hung out with they think of me and then the people I hung out with. It's a little selfish, I guess, but I'd prefer people to actually think of me first and recognise me as an individual, rather than see me as part of a group.

What is keeping you from being the full expression of yourself?

I'm afraid of making an ass out of myself and doing the wrong thing somewhere down the line, so for the most part I hold back and I don't really express everything cause I'm afraid maybe one day something will go wrong and I won't be able to take it back.

Is there anybody holding you back from being the full expression of yourself?

The only person holding me back from being the full expression of myself is me because I'm afraid of what will happen. Certainly nobody else is holding me back.

Who do you most resent?

The people I most resent are the typical sports jocks who just walk though everything in life, have great athletic ability, and do things so easily, like shoot a hockey puck and get it into the net every single time, or shoot a basket and make it every time, things that I can't really do. I'm not that adept at sports and I resent people who are good at sports mainly because a lot of them also have the cocky attitude to go with it.

Who do you most resent for normalising your personality?

Well I'd say as far as normalising my personality I'd have to probably resent myself for doing it cause I want to fit in with the group and I don't want to be a total outcast and I want to be able to communicate with people, so if there's anybody to resent or blame for it it's me.

How can you even be sure of who you are?

Well who are you is a present tense thing, it's exactly who are at that particular moment, it's not who you were, it's not who you will be, so the easiest way to be sure of who you are is to look at yourself from the moment and that way you'll know exactly who you are.

Why should someone like you?

Well they should like me because for the most part because I'm a nice guy. Nice guys tend to finish last and what also fits in with being a nice guy is being last a lot in things. Not say academic things as much as sports and relationships. I've always been at the bottom of the heap and that's where nice guys tend to end up.

Are you afraid of being found out as a fraud?

No, I may have a few little lies that I tell and I don't really fear having to acknowledge those because all they'd take is a little apology and then the problem's solved. A fraud I think is someone who totally fabricates what's going on totally makes up what their life is about. I may have done that a little bit, but for one, that was when I was younger, and for two, there was an ulterior motive of trying to get better tips out of it.

In what way are you most a fraud?

Probably just the little lies that I tell to make my life seem more interesting.

In what one recurring action do you most betray yourself?

Um, I probably most betray myself in recurring actions of glaring at people who just cause me trouble because they are being selfish or greedy or just plain old rude. And I always betray my personality when it comes to that because I will glare at them when someone pushes me, or when someone takes the seat I'm just about to sit down in. I do glare at them and I do let them know what they’ve done, and even on people who aren't necessarily being rude but are just causing problems that they shouldn't necessarily be doing, like people on the escalators who don't walk down the escalator like everybody else, and I stand there and may stomp my feet a few times just to let them know that I'd like to walk down there, so I think I betray myself a lot when I show how I feel about what other people are doing, either little actions or just glaring at someone or even the odd smart comment.

How do you live with yourself?

I just live with myself realising that tomorrow is another day and there all sorts of possibilities, things that can change, so many other avenues out there for whatever I want to do. If I want to play sports I probably could find a team of basketball players who are worse than me, I probably could find a team of hockey players who are worse than me. I'm not the lowest on the totem pole when I really look at it, because it's a big world out there, and it's a big university, just plain old big.

What was the pivotal event in the development of your insanity?

My insanity's pivotal event was... it's difficult to pin down when exactly it happened cause there's different ways I could look at it but I'd definitely have to say it started when I took a public speaking course and I really started becoming more of an extrovert, cause I was able to stand in front of people and talk about sometimes very impersonal things. I could tell sarcastic jokes to a roomful of people. That's when I started becoming a lot more extroverted than I was before and that was a pivotal change in my attitude.

How do you indulge your insanity?

I indulge my insanity a lot, because I'll spark up a conversation with someone for the hell of it; I've done it on the train numerous times, I've done it in my classes, I'll make a snide remark on what's going on with the tutorial, the lecture, see who responds, and will continue a conversation with whoever is willing to respond to it.

Who are you performing for?

I think I'm performing in a way for myself and for anybody who's willing to watch, because I crave some of the attention; I like having friends, I like knowing people, so I'm performing for the people who are willing to watch, willing to become my friend I guess.

What is the essence of yourself?

The essence of myself is a constant effort to make sure other people know who I am so I can be remembered; people will know who I was, see my name, and they'll remember my name.